THE ARRANGED SUHAAG RAAT

In the never-ending quest for truth, justice, and the Indian way of life, what follows is a sequel to the arranged marriage - the Arranged Suhaag Raat. Since we are going to delve deep into the Wedding Night of a couple that, for all practical purposes (and I do mean practical!) hasn't even met before, things could get pretty interesting and sexually intense. Then again maybe not!

We start with our heroine from the arranged marriage fiasco, Ms. Hotbabe Parayadhan, who has since found her mate, Mr. Yeman Kyakiya, a well-settled professional drawing a five-figure income. Hotbabe has a very vague idea regarding what her ‘naya-navela’ hubby does for a living. As her mother-in-law mentioned very eloquently, "he works with computers ..." Suffice it to say that he is not expected to be home most of the day.

She's still quite uncertain what he expects her to call him and has made a mental note about asking him about that. She'd definitely prefer "Honey" or "Darling" to the old-fashioned "Ajee, sunte ho!", or worse, "Suntay ho, Chunnu, Munnu, Lallu, Phateechar ke bapu", but isn't quite sure of his reaction. Of course, she could venture to call him by his (gasp) first name, but is quite certain that mother-in-law won't stand for it. So, for now he is just plain "Woh".

The wedding over, the newly-weds are traditionally expected to spend the Suhaag Raat at an hotel - far, far from the often irritating relatives and friends, who insist on being part of each and every phase of the marriage. However, Mr. Kyakiya, mindful of how expensive hotel rooms have become has decided NOT to follow tradition. Instead the suhaag raat is to take place AT HOME, presumably under the watchful eye of everyone including his parents and Main-dhoondti-hoon behen, the go-between, responsible for the present mess of Hotbabe. M. Behen is there just to make sure that her match is successful! Of course, Hotbabe is not aware of this change in plans, yet ... Kyakiya bhaisaab is prepared. No, this is not the preparedness one would expect from a person taking a one week trip to Bangkok. Kyakiyajee has recently been schooled in the facts-of-life, especially vis-a-vis the opposite sex. A second cousin, thrice removed, and, more importantly, a woman, who fortunately is a doctor, has been kind enough to furnish our hero with the basics, so he doesn't mistake the word "carefree" for chewing- gum and "periods" for what he had to endure through high-school. The cousin, Dr. Meri-advice-lo, has also clearly explained the significance of phrases such as "Mere sar mein aaj dard hai" and "Abhi nahi, koi dekh lega" and the associated subtleties. There is however considerable tension and uncertainty. After all, one doesn't go through ordeals like this everyday. "Ordeal!" you exclaim? Well, of course, what else could Yeman be thinking, given the fact that this is his third date, with a woman, and the second with this particular one? There is, of course, the anticipation of things to come, but the level of apprehension exceeds it.

Meanwhile, Hotbabe is with her mother-in-law. who is busy giving Hotbabe a quick run-down on her beloved son.

Mom-in-law: Beti, Yeman bahut light saleepurr hai. Jara si bhi bhi movement usse jagaa deti hai.

Hotbabe: Thinks “Great, now tell me he snores too!”, says Jee, achcha.

Mom-in-law: Aur woh kabhi-kabhi kharratein bhi marta hai, agar usse zukhaam laga ho...

Hotbabe: Jee... Oh, no!

Mom-in-law: Vaise tumhe to yeh sub cheezein jaldi hi pata chal jayengee giving her a knowing smile followed by a nudge.

Hotbabe: Says with the appropriate shyness Jee... jee..

Mom-in-law: Arre, lo, isme sharmane ki kya baat hai?!

Hotbabe: Jee ... woh ... thinks “Oh, God! When will this end!?”

Mom-in-law: With a knowing smile Oh, main to bhool hi gayi. Yeman tumhaare liye wait kar raha hoga